jmoe’s blog

Starting today, I've decided to cut soda and sugar from my diet, and have started running again in preparation for going back to krav maga in the first week of July. This was spawned by an article I read on slashdot about the state of health of the average IT worker today, which made me think of my own sedentary lifestyle of sitting in front of computer or playstation, or TV. This is now starting to get to me. I've been feeling stiff and achy, tight muscles and growing sense of fatigue you get when you don't exercise, and bouts of dehydration because I don't drink enough water. If this was the 80's, I would be the boy the cartoon short "...watch out for the munchies",. I can't just blame my sedentary lifestyle, but also have to implicate my non-routine eating schedule and the enormous amount of caffeine, sugar, and grease I consume. I've been described as the "most unhealthy vegetarian" one of my former co-workers ever knew. Hopefully I can change this...I don't know about lifting volkswagons or joining the UFC, but I just want to feel like I can take care of my loved ones in a disaster...or climb the stairs without getting out of breath. This is a source of embarrassment, since I have graduated from Marine Corps. boot camp at Parris Island. How could I fall so far from those days? Maybe it's just nostalgia, or some sense of responsibility for my body, which I have ignored for so long, but whatever it is, this has been a long time coming. This proclamation means I can't run from it anymore, it's not "plan" in my head, but now that it's out there people know and I feel responsible to deliver.

I need to get another glass of water.

I've been "practicing" Buddhism for a while now, in the sense that I just want to be a good person and and find some inner happiness and compassion. I stumbled into this the same way i imagine most westerners do, seeking some form of happiness. It's only when you start to take it seriously, that you realize this isn't the point at all, which makes sense when you think about it. There's no balance in being happy all the time, if there's no sorrow to make you appreciate it.

I put practicing in quotes, because it is hard to unlearn years hate, anger, and criticism... especially for ones self. Usually if someone were to tell you they heard voices, the first reaction would be to snicker...and the second to move slightly far enough away to feel safe.But in honesty, I think we all have one whether we acknowledge it or not...and no mine doesn't tell me to do things...I wish it did...that would make post like this more interesting. Mine only tell me how much I suck and how I'm doing it wrong. They say that you are your own worst critic... i guess that makes me my own abusive parent.

I just returned from a dharma talk about the fact that all our insecurities, stress, anger, etc stem from 3 main fears. 1) Fear of being ignored 2) Fear of humiliation and 3) Fear of people not liking you. I can say that I live in a daily perpetual state of at least two of these at any given time, and I acknowledge that I'm not alone in this. I guess I just wanted to share where my heart and head were tonight, since I have a blog to do so.

There was this great analogy that was used and it really hit home for me and it went like this: If you are doing the dishes, and you are really present with the entire act of doing the dishes, it isn't such a daunting task. The feeling of the soapy warm water and and the squeaky sound of clean dishes can be quite enjoyable. If you are going to eat ice cream after doing the dishes, being present with the ice cream allows you to fully enjoy the experience of eating ice cream. (This practice allows you to be present during things that you are currently experiencing). However, if you are thinking about eating ice cream while doing the dishes, you wind up not enjoying either of these experiences, (Which teaches you to mentally be in the future during experiences you are having now).

What I mean by Buddhism throwing it back in your face is this is me. I couldn't have said it any other way. I live in the future, I am future Dwight. This makes me sad for all the experiences I have taken for granted. I think I will start sending my self faxes from the future reminding myself to be more present and work on finding more compassion for myself.

The stress and fear of starting a new job makes us do many unnatural, (and sometimes far too natural), things. Although this isn't my first blog post, I never really considered myself a blogger. I figured, as far as blog posts go, this would have to be the best first Vox post I could write.

I was having an exceptional first week at Six Apart. Everyone was very welcoming and at the end of each day my head hurt just a little more from all the information I was absorbing, (I think because my brain was stretching each day to accommodate the data that was pouring in). This is a good thing. The days were longer than I was used to and thus I wasn't getting much sleep and practically living on coffee. Don't get me wrong, I do this anyway, this was just more than usual. Added to that was the excitement of having a new job and all the new stuff I would now have the opportunity to learn. I think my wife was getting a little tired of hearing me go on and on.

Day 5. I'm running on fumes and the anticipation of what I was learning. At this point, I'm pretty sure I had only about 20 hours of sleep the entire week and the only thing that had me on my feet was the caffeine running through my body . Today would my first company meeting, and I knew that I would most likely be recognized as a new hire. When it came time for the meeting I wound up sitting up in the front of the conference room. Looking at all the people in attendance, I felt very humble. Not just because I was new to the company, but because these were all people that were excited about what they did and the company that they worked for, which showed in their enthusiasm. This was rare for me, and I was very caught up in the energy of the group.

The meeting started with announcements of birthdays, anniversaries, and of course new hires. When it came time to acknowledge me as a new hire, I raised my hand and everyone clapped.Then someone asked me to say a few words. So here is my response...

PAUSE: (Ummm...so there is this spot, which we all seem to forget about until we are put on it. I'm not sure about most people, but when I find myself put on this spot, my freak flag flies, and I really didn't want that to happen...at least not SO soon. Now, although this whole experience only lasted maybe 5 minutes in reality, it seemed like I should have been collecting my first social security check by the time it was over)

[Brain Thinks "Say a few words, keep it short and get through this as soon as possible"]

[Mouth Translates] "I don't find myself that interesting, so I usually don't talk about myself"

[Brain responds "Ummm...did you just say that? You DO know what this company does right?!"]

Then someone says "So you're not a blogger, huh?!"

[Brain desperately scrambling for any fun fact about me to share]

[Mouth decides "I got this one"] Responds with: "No..."

(If Brain were a person, this is the point where he'd yell "NNNNOOOOOO" in bullet time)

[Brain Screams "Recover! Recover! Recover!]

[Mouth Translates] "...but I'm married to one...ummm...I'm just really happy to be here"

Now, I realize that this is only my perception of the situation, but what followed was the longest, most awkward pause of my life, and "...well I guess... we ...can... clap now..." and some really reluctant clapping. I might have been able to recover from this a little easier if I didn't receive a second introduction and round of applause (which was equally awesome and awkward for me). *(groan)*

(Have you seen PCU? there's a seen where Chris Young is walking through a computer lab and kicks out the plug that is powering the computers of about 30 college students. and every student finds that they have just lost all their work and look at him like 'did that just happen'. This is the thought going through my head at this point.)

Sitting through this meeting with all these people who were so into what they did, not just as employees, but as a community I felt like an outsider who stumbled in with good intentions and insulted everyone because he didn't know the customs. This is my curse. Although it's true that I don't find myself that interesting that's not why I don't talk about myself. Usually if I open my mouth to talk about myself with people I don't know, the part of my brain that censors thought on the way to the mouth never kicks off, so I live in a perpetual state of foot-in-mouth disease. Like David Cross said, "...you shouldn't speak in public, describing stuff to people...". Needless to say, I'm now a convert. Look out blogging world, I may just stick my foot in my mouth near you.